My New Blog

Well, after a long time of hesitation, I've finally decided to start my own blog. I just figured out that my website that I had previously is no longer available and I don't really want to renew with that company, so I figured blogging is the easiest way to go. I want to re-post my letters/emails from my mission with pictures, so that is probably what I am going to be doing for a while. (I will put the original dates on them rather than the date actually posted, so they should all be before this).

Really the last email

Dear family, well, this is really my last email. I am leaving Marx (Маркс) in about an hour and a half. I was supposed to leave 30 minutes ago, but President won't be coming until 11:00. I wasn't sure what to do with my time, but thought that I would take the time to see what people wrote me, and who wrote. But, after this, I will not be sending emails from my mission . . . that is so weird to think and I don't think it has really hit me yet.
This last week has been spent saying good-bye to everyone, even to some in Engels (Энгельс). You see, we had our big, two-day conference in Энгельс. On Thursday, we went to Энгельс on a bus, that was awful, even though it was only for an hour, I got sick to my stomach. I've been having problems with motion sickness lately. Usually trains are fine and so are taxis, but buses and gazelles kill me. But, that's a different story. When we arrived, we played soccer (but first we took pictures at the Saratov (Саратов) sign. While we were waiting, one of the Elders from our zone, Elder Page, was acting a little weird - see picture) and later that evening went to the church in Энгельс for our Christmas dinner. We had pancakes and real maple syrup and eggs. It was good, except I think they put too much soda into the pancakes. I couldn't finish mine, but then again, they were cold by the time I got to them. That is only because we were in Энгельс and since they didn't cancel English, many people who I know came in. It was great to see them and they were really happy to see me, too. A couple of them are not members who came regularly to English while I served in Энгельс. They said it was good to see me one last time, and were hopeful that I was coming back, but they were a little sad to find out that I am really leaving all together. But, what can you do? It was still good to see them. Also, one less active girl came in who I was not able to see before I left Энгельс. You should have seen the look on her face! She was so surprised to see me! She took my email address and gave me hers and made me promise to write her. Then, the active girl that always helped us with missionary work showed up, too. She was happy to see me but was upset when she found out that she wouldn't be able to come to the train station to see me off because President was coming to get me in Маркс. (That's because Sister Дэлгэрцэцэг (Delgertsetseg) will be staying with a member here in Маркс called a mini-missionary, and I can't go to Samara (Самара) by myself). But, it was good to see her.

After dinner we had a White Elephant gift exchange. I don't really like White Elephants because there are always a few people who don't understand and literally bring trash. That's no fun. I like it when you get something that you could use, but would never want to get as a gift, like a toilet brush or something like that. Its useful, but you would never ask someone to get you one for Christmas. But, there are many who don't understand that and that makes it not fun to play. Anyway, we had 42 missionaries there. I was number 17 to pick a gift. No one stole anything, they just opened new presents, and so I was wondering what I should do. I didn't want to add anything to my luggage, so I slowly walked up there thinking that I could take the smallest present. Then, in front of one of the Elders, I noticed a candy bar. I thought, that is something I can use up before I go, so I reached over, said, thank you, and took it. (If you look in the background, you will see Elder Wade who was so surprised when I took his candy bar). Everyone started laughing and cheering, but that Elder was really surprised and said, Sister Атвуд, you can't do that! But I walked away. It was pretty funny. After that, more people started stealing presents, but before me, no one did.

After that, we took little gifts, split up into little groups, took hymnals, and headed out to go see less active members in Энгельс. Because I knew the area, I was a group leader. We went to see one less active lady that we worked a lot with. When we arrived, her boyfriend answered the door, but we started singing anyway. (This picture is a reenactment of our caroling. From left to right: Sisters Дэлгэрцэцэг, Wheeler, Wrathal, and me). I guess he went to where she was and said, Атвуд came. She came to the door and was really happy to see me. We finished the song and then I asked if we could come in. She let us in and I shared a spiritual thought. One of the Elders with us had wanted to share the spiritual thought, but I remembered how she only listens to me (literally, she never listened to my companion when we would teach her, only to me) and so I said that it would probably be better if I gave the thought. He agreed. During the lesson, his companion tried to add something, and just as I thought, she interrupted him and didn't listen. I don't know why she does that, but I felt bad for him. Then, we gave her the gift and left. She told me as we were leaving that she called me a couple times (I already knew that. She really called me 6 times in one day and the other day was 5 or something like that, but I didn't answer because I knew that if I did she would always call me and we're not allowed to talk to members in cities where we are no longer serving) but that I didn't answer. She said that she was feeling bad and didn't have anyone to talk to. But, I told her that she can write me now and I will be waiting for a letter from her.

Then we left. The next day was our conference. It was a good conference. We ended with a testimony meeting like usual. I thought, I should bear my testimony one last time. I got up and said, Elders and Sister, and I couldn't say anything else. I was just overwhelmed and the tears came. It was awful. I managed to get a few sentences out (I speak really bad Russian when I am crying) and then I sat down. The tears kept flowing for the next 20 minutes. I didn't like that at all. [Since my last conference was a half mission conference for Christmas, President dressed up in a Santa's hat to announce our presents].
Afterwards, I had my last conference interview with President. That was weird because we didn't talk about the work like we usually do. We talked a lot about my companion and whether or not I think she is ready for the responsibility of being senior companion. I told him that she can do it even though she is a little scared.
(Conferences are always a time for pictures. To the right is a picture of all the sisters from my last conference. Left to right: Sisters Дэлгэрцэцэг, me, Anaya, Kuligowski, Wheeler, Rathal).

After a while, we came back to Маркс on a taxi. Our taxi driver was an interesting man. We talked about religion the entire time. We also found out that he doesn't trust America and will never forgive us for what we did to the American Indians. I thought that was funny because my ancestors are American Indians and the American Indians themselves seem to have forgiven America, but he can't. Oh well, he was an interesting man.

Yesterday, my last Sunday was also really weird. I was supposed to teach the lesson in Relief Society, but the branch president wanted to show a new movie that we got during conference called By Small and Simple Means. It is supposed to help motivate members to do missionary work. But, when the movie was over, we still had 10 minutes and they asked me to say something. So, I got up and bore my testimony. I have literally been in Маркс for one month, and I am already leaving. That is so weird to me and the members all told me that it isn't fair that I was here for so little time. I had to agree with that, but I guess that Lord's will was that I should be here for that short of time. I hope that we have accomplished during this time what He wanted me to accomplish.
(For my last night in Маркс, one of the members, Лена [Lena], invited us to her apartment for dinner. The picture to the left is from that night. Seated clockwise: Света [Sveta], Elder Brinkerhof, Elder Стручков [Struchkov], Лена, Сестра Дэлгэрцэцэг, me, and Женя [Zhenya]).

Now, I am just waiting to head out to Самара. I think the next few days will be really weird and will go by too quickly. Before I know it, I will be back in Bismarck. I can't even imagine what that will be like to see you all and everything. I don't really want to. Its so hard to figure out how I feel about this, though people keep asking me about that. Its amazing how people can come to love you and you can come to love people in only one month. One lady told me, its too bad that you are leaving, you're such a good sister and my spirit is lighter after talking with you. Others have made me promise to write them. One girl who doesn't even really know me was on the verge of tears when I talked to her. It is all so weird. I think I've come to the right conclusion. They love me because I am a missionary and I love them because I am a missionary. That connection doesn't take time, it can take a 30 minute lesson in their home, or a 5 minute talk at church, but all the same, that connection is there. I think it will end up being a lot harder to leave than I can even imagine.
Well, my time is running out and we should probably head back to our apartment just in case President comes early. But in the end I just wanted to say, thanks to everyone who wrote me this week, mom, dad, grandpa, Lizzy, Sara. Thanks to all who have thought about me while I've been away, thanks for your prayers, thanks for your support, and most of all thanks for your love. I don't know if I would have made it with out you. I will see you in a few days.

Love,

Сестра (I'm still Sister for awhile) Атвуд


The picture at the right was taken just before President Давыдик arrived at our apartment in Маркс. This was the last time I saw my dear Sister Дэлгэрцэцэг.

Дэлгэрцэцэг's Mistake

I just realized that I never told about this story that happened. Every morning, I woke up, got ready, ate breakfast, and then studied for several hours (first scripture study for an hour by myself, an hour with my companion, and finally an hour of language study). We (Sister Дэлгэрцэцэг [Delgertsetseg] and I) were getting ready for out conference in Энгельс (Engels) where we needed to have a white elephant gift. We were leaving the next day, and Sister Дэлгэрцэцэг still needed to find one. We had brought a lot of stuff from Энгельс when we moved because we had to empty the apartment. There were many things left by other sisters who had gone home, so we had to bring those things, too. I told her that she could look through those things and pick something for her gift. She went into the other room and started looking through the stuff while I continued to study.
Before long, I heard a shriek come from that room. I called out, "What's wrong?" but then realized what had happened. I remembered that a certain dangerous item had been among those we brought from Энгельс, in fact, there was a certain thing called pepper spray there. I immediately realized that she must have sprayed the pepper spray. I ran into that room and sure enough, I found Sister Дэлгэрцэцэг sitting on the bed (luckily it wasn't the room we sleep in) with her hands over her face. I told her that we needed to get out of there. I took her into the kitchen where we opened the window, shut the door and closed ourselves from that awful smell. I figured that we could have an early lunch.
Well, soon after, I realized that we needed to open a window in the other room so that the spray could clear. I left the kitchen, but was unable to get very far before I started coughing and my eyes started burning. It was a horrible feeling (anyone who has experienced pepper spray knows what that feels like). So, I had to go back into the kitchen to save myself. The next time I ventured out, I got a towel to cover my face so I could run and open a window. I opened the balcony door to try and clear the apartment.
In the meantime, we ate and began to wait for the smell to clear. I think we were shut up in that kitchen for an hour and a half. I even braved the other room (with a towel of course) to get something to read while we waited. I've never been happier to be able to leave a place then when we realized that the smell had completely dissipated and we could venture out of the kitchen without risk of hacking and burning.
Later, Sister Дэлгэрцэцэг told me that she remembered me telling her in Энгельс to never, ever touch that little but deadly can. In the process of the move and everything, she completely forgot. As she was looking through the stuff, she thought it was perfume or air freshener and wanted to know what it smelled like. She found out, alright, and I experienced my first (and only?) brush with pepper spray.

Пред-последнее письмо

Дорогая семья,
Как всё у вас всех? Всё хорошо у меня. Может и это последнее письмо, а хотела, чтобы было особенно. Oops, I guess you don’t know what I said . . . oh well, no big deal. I’ll just start again:
Dear family,
How is everything? Everything is fine here. This may be my last letter so I wanted it to be special. . . .Yikes, after typing in Russian, I can’t look at the keyboard at all to be able to write in English or I get confused with the letters! Crazy!
Anyway, now that that is out of the way, I’ll begin a real letter. First things first, as usual, thanks to everyone who wrote me this week! I’ll begin with that.
Mom, thanks for your letter. As for packages, I sent a package home about a month or so ago. It was really expensive. The prices have doubled and so it cost twice as much as last time. Luckily, I had a little money left over that I didn’t buy books or movies with so I only had to take half out of the bank. I had that money in there already, so don’t worry about sending me any. Just, watch for it. I kept forgetting to tell you that I sent it. It was sent on November 9 and the lady said that it should get there in a month or so, so let me know if/and when it comes. I don’t know if I will be checking my email next week. Since we have our p-day on Mondays now, I probably will, so write anyway. I don’t know when I am leaving Marx [Маркс] (they never tell us anything here until the last minute) but I think that we will leave Monday afternoon. If that is the case, we will probably come to the internet in the morning so Sister Delgertsetseg can write President and since we’ll be in the internet, I will, too. So, to make a long story short, write me because most likely I will be able to check my email. If we don’t leave Monday, we will be leaving Tuesday. I have to admit that I have a lot of mixed feelings. I really don’t want to leave. (See the picture to the left - taken in Маркс, it reads "I love Marx" in Russian). We are just getting started here in Маркс. The members are good, but not very strong yet, and I want to be around to strengthen them. But, at the same time, I am tired and worn out and I want to see everyone on Christmas. Christmas without family is not Christmas to me. So, part of me doesn’t want to leave and last week in my letter to President, I almost asked if I could stay longer. But, the other part of me wants to see everyone, and I want to be home for Christmas, so I didn’t ask. I don’t think he would have agreed anyway because they have rules now to extend your mission there has to be a special reason and you have to get permission from the area presidency. So, the likelihood of me being able to stay a little while longer is slim to none, but I didn’t ask anyway. I’m glad that grandpa is doing ok, too.
By the way, I was thinking about this, how is it going to work for me to be released? Will I be able to meet with the stake president before Sunday, or will I need to wait until then? I think the sooner the better. I’m not sure exactly how it all works out, but I would like to be able to go somewhere by myself if need be.
Dad, thanks for your email. I am planning on going to the temple on Friday when I get back. It has been a long time since I’ve been there and I have probably already forgotten everything!
Heather, thanks for your email! That’s too bad that you are moving, I would have liked to be able to hang out with you a lot before I go back to school next fall. But, I understand that you gotta do what you gotta do. At least you won’t be too far away and at least we will see each other before you go! Well, if you make it to Bismarck before Christmas, I plan on going caroling on Saturday before that! Erin can come, too, if she wants, and maybe I’ll sing a little in Russian! That would be so great!
Lizzy, thanks for sharing what Sister Bundy said, I really appreciate that, though looking back on things, I don’t think I was strong at all during that time. I’m also glad that you got something that you liked from the White Elephant exchange. As for pictures, I guess you are going to have a lot to show me when I come home and I will have a lot to show everyone. It should make for an interesting first few weeks.
Sara, I think that would be a cruel trick to play because then maybe two people would want the same thing and when they find out that you didn’t get that for them, they may be disappointed! But if we never think that something is for us, then there’s no problem!
Ok, what else can I say? We had to do surgery on my boots this week. You see, the left one was really hurting my foot, pressing on my heel. I wasn’t really sure what to do, but it got so bad that I couldn’t even walk without limping! Then I noticed a HUGE bump on my heel, it hurt really bad. So, I examined my boot and realized that the stuff under the lining that was supposed to give support, was pushing into my foot. Elder Struchkov (Стручков) told me that it was time to buy new boots and I said, no way! I only have two weeks left and I don’t wear boots at home! So, Sister Delgertsetseg (Дэлгэрцэцэг) and I went to work. We used a pair of scissors and a knife to cut away the lining and remove the “support underneath” then my companion sewed a piece of fabric from her purse into my boot (see pictures). It worked pretty well. Because of the lump on my foot, its still been pretty painful to walk and we haven’t done much this past week, only to and from appointments. That’s ok because we have a lot of work to get done at home before I leave so I was able to work on that without feeling guilty. I was able to make a list of everyone in the branch that I know something about and who we are not allowed to go see, and I was also able to fix up the mess that the Elders left in regards to investigators and stuff like that. I also started packing a little. I can’t pack all at one time, I don’t know why, so I just got things a little organized to make it easier for me to pack when that time comes. The only thing I have left to do is make a list of people who we are working with so it will be easier for the next sister, and then pack everything.
This week, we will be having a two-day conference in Саратов (Saratov). It should be really good. On Thursday we will be taking a group picture and then playing soccer or something like that. Later in the day we will have a Christmas lunch and then we are going caroling to inactive members in Энгельс (Engels). I am really excited about that! Maybe I’ll see some people that we worked with! The next day will be conference.
What else is going on? Not really a whole lot, everyone keeps reminding me that I am leaving soon, and that makes it really hard to concentrate on the work, but I am trying really hard. I want to go out working harder than ever before. Now that I can walk without too much trouble, that should be easier and we will be able to go contacting these last few days and maybe try to meet some new people besides saying goodbye to all the members. By the way, I had to speak in church yesterday, it was crazy. They also asked me to give the lesson in Relief Society next Sunday, as a farewell address of some sorts. That is going to be really hard and I hope that I will be able to inspire the women here.
Everything is all so weird. I don’t know how I feel, I don’t know what I think, and most of all, I don’t understand what has happened to me the past year and a half. Maybe I will never understand to what extent my mission has changed me, but I do know that I am no longer the same person that I was all those months ago. I can’t even imagine what it is like to be home because home is just a dream, a far away dream that doesn’t seem possible that it is real. Then again, I’ve never been able to get myself to believe what has happened here, that I am really on a mission, really in Russia, really serving the Lord, and really speaking in Russian (how is that even possible?). It seems to me that there is nothing else besides my mission and now I am leaving, returning to a world that I haven’t seen in a long time to people I haven’t seen either. When all is said and done, there is no explanation for what has been said and done, just a faded memory, a few journal entries, and some pictures. That is what my mission will be for the rest of my life while you, home and everything there will once again become reality. That’s a sobering thought. People here don’t believe you when you say you want to come back. They think good-bye is the end and they will never see you again. No one believes me when I say I will write . . . they don’t believe because so many have gone before me who have made similar promises and then failed in those promises. I can not fail. I can not let these people down. I can not abandon my brothers and sisters here in Russia, but I’m afraid that the reality of life will be so strong that the faded memory of those once known and loved will disappear completely. Why do good things have to end? Why can’t all the people I love be in one place, easy to reach where I can see them everyday if I choose? But, I guess that is what we are working for, huh? That is our goal, to live with our families and loved ones forever. That is the ends I have been working towards. I haven’t yet seen that goal realized, but I hope and pray and have faith that it will be realized. That’s all I can really do.
Love,
Сестра Атвуд

a little better

Dear family,

Well, here another week has completely passed. I can hardly believe it! It seems like I have been gone from home forever, but somehow that time has gone by so quickly!

So, first things first, thanks to everyone who wrote me this week: mom, dad, Heather, Lizzy, and Sara.

Mom, thanks for your letter. I have to admit that I was shocked to hear about everyone being so sick! (I mean grandpa having surgery, Sister Cox being in the hospital, etc.) I hope everything is ok with them now. I don't want everyone to be sick when I get home, so get well soon! By the way, I was thinking about this, and I don't want to have a second Christmas. That is Becky's loss for not coming home. Instead, since I wasn't home for Thanksgiving, we could have a second Thanksgiving with her. We can talk more about that later, but I thought that was a good idea.

Dad, thanks for your letter. I have to admit that I've been struggling a lot the past week with feeling like I'm not accomplishing anything. When those moments come, I start feeling like maybe I have wasted my entire mission. But, I had a few experiences this week that have made me feel better about that. I can't say that I have seen anymore results than before, but I've had some experiences that show me at least I am doing the will of the Lord, and THAT is never a waste of time. First, on Wednesday, we had an appointment with the branch librarian [Нина, Nina as seen between me and Sister Дэлгэрцэцэг (Delgertsetseg) in the picture to the left. This picture was taken at our last meeting with her] (when we have little work we spend a lot of time with the active members to teach them, help them talk with their friends and family, and try to get referrals from them). As we left the apartment, the thought came to me, we should always have some Joseph Smith pamphlets with us. So, I took the time to grab a couple from the other room and we headed out the door. As we were walking down the road to the member's house, an older woman called out to us. With her was a young girl of maybe 17 or 18 years old. She began by asking us if we, too, are missionaries. I said, yes. Then she went on, (she, of course, is a Jehovah's Witness) trying to show me that in the Bible it says we should pray to God using His name. She read her verses, I added my own interpretation, (especially where she read the Lord's prayer and said that because it says, "hallowed be thy name" that means we should use His name (as in the name of God) even though Jesus Christ didn't actually say the name, but prayed, Our Father which art in Heaven . . .) and then she tried to give me one of their books. It is a book that is called something like, "What Does the Bible Really Mean?" I looked at it, and didn't want to take it. I had already seen that book several times. One of our less active members in Engels (Энгельс) was reading it and would always ask questions about what was written in in. Finally she admitted that it isn't true (she also said that Jehovah's Witnesses are the farthest from the truth) but she still refused to stop reading it, even though it confused her and caused her to doubt. Anyway, so, I wasn't about to take the book. I told her that in Russian, it wouldn't really do us that much good (even though I can read and I understand pretty much everything, it is still pretty slow, especially the Bible and things related because that is all in Old Russian like our Bible is in older English). She said, well, you could at least try, little by little. So I said, well, then I can give you this, I pulled out one of the Joseph Smith pamphlets that I had been prompted to bring before we left the apartment and started telling the story of Joseph Smith. She, of course, didn't want to hear anything about it, and told me that it isn't possible for people to receive answers on prayers [did I really write on prayers? Yes, because I translated that from the Russian in my brain] in anyway other than by reading the Bible (so, where does the Holy Ghost fit into all that?). She refused to take the brochure, and left. Even though I doubt I made any impression on her, I was really glad that I had followed that prompting.

[The picture to the right is of the chapel in Маркс].

Similarly, the next day, as we were about to leave the apartment for our daily street contacting, the thought came, bring the Bible. I then thought, why bring the Bible? Its too bulky, I don't have room for it and I've never needed it before when we've gone contacting! But, I decided to bring it anyway. So, I had to take my boots off and go into the other room, somehow make room for it in my little bag, and only then we headed out. I kind of forgot about it until I started talking with one lady on the street. She listened to what I had to say about families and then started talking herself. It turns out that she is Pentecostal, she had met the missionaries a few years before and even had a Book of Mormon, she read a little, but didn't like it, so she stopped. She is convinced that she has all the words of God that she needs in the Bible (I even asked her, if God wanted to speak to you through a living prophet, would you want to hear what He had to say? She responded, I am very careful when it comes to prophecy and I have everything I need in the Bible. The Bible is enough for me. So, basically she said, no, if God wanted to talk to me through a prophet, I wouldn't want to hear what He has to say because I have heard enough). She then went on to say, you don't carry the Bible with you, offering that to people! I pulled out my Bible (boy was I glad that I had heeded that little prompting that morning!) and said, I have the Bible with me, but we don't offer it to people because most people already have the Bible or can get the Bible. We want to make the Book of Mormon likewise available to all people, that is why we offer it to them. Well, she invited us to her church, we invited her to ours, but she didn't take any information from us. At least she knows when we have church and where, but so far, she doesn't want to know more. Even though, again, I can't say that I've made any kind of difference for that woman, I was really glad that I had followed the promptings of the Spirit. After all, that is really what this work is all about, right? If I am doing that, I can rest assured that I am doing the will of the Lord, and that means that no matter what it may look like to other people from the outside, I am a successful missionary. So, I feel a lot better about all that now. I can look back on my mission and see numerous occasions when I have followed the promptings of the Spirit and ended up exactly where I needed to be when I needed to be there, even if it doesn't seem like that even made a difference. But we aren't here to force people to get baptized, or even to coerce them or convince them. We are here to give them the opportunity to hear the truth and be convinced by the Spirit and by the Lord, and that is what I am doing.

[The picture here is just for fun. See the sack I am holding? That is how you buy eggs in Russia. I am standing in the kitchen of our apartment in Маркс].

Heather, thanks for your letter! I've been wondering what happened to you, haven't heard from you in a long time. In fact, I wanted to send you a Christmas card, but realized that I didn't even know where you were to know if the address I had was right (I think the last one I have is from Medora and I thought you might be going to school again). I hope things are going well for you! Are you planning on being in Bismarck around Christmas time because, I'll be home for Christmas, you can count on me! Maybe we can even get a round of Christmas caroling in if you will be there, that would be awesome! I've missed that, too. I was planning on caroling for my neighbors in Энгельс because they all knew and loved us, but here, they are all afraid of us . . . so we'll see, it probably won't work out. You're moving to Montana?!?!?!? When did this happen and why?

Lizzy, I hope things are going well with the job hunt and with registering for classes. Keep me informed. Thanks for writing me the last little while more than just a few sentences that don't really explain anything that is going on with you. I really appreciate that.

Sara, yep, I'm coming home soon, I hope you haven't forgotten that I am expecting a good hug from you when I get home. I hope you've been practicing this past year and a half!

Well, other than that, I think I've pretty much said it all in the things that I said in responses. Next week will be Zone Conference. It will be a long one, two days because it is December. It should be pretty fun, we are going to Saratov (Саратов). I don't know what will happen after that. I am speaking in church this coming Sunday, my first talk since the MTC!!

Well, that is about it for now. I love you all and miss you all!

Love,

Сестра Атвуд