National Museum Day: Newseum

Me in front of the Berlin Wall

Today is National Museum Day.  That means I was able to go into any of 1,200 museums across the country.  Most of the museums in DC are free anyway, but I had wanted to go to the Newseum last week until I found out that it cost $20 to get in.  Since it was free today, I decided to go.  I was there shortly after it opened at 9am.  I started at the bottom level for a short introductory video.  Then I saw the Berlin Wall, or pieces of it anyway.  They also had a watch tower.  I wasn't expecting them to have artifacts along with the news, so that was a pleasant surprise.
I spent the next 7 hours or so looking around the 6 levels of the museum.  They have an exhibit on Katrina and 9/11.  They also have various other themed exhibits.  There is a 4D movie (not real long, but interesting), and an exhibit devoted to Elvis.  One exhibit has the front page of newspapers from various events around the world.  They go back to the 1600s even.  It was interesting.
For the Newseum, you can get in two consecutive days in a row, but I think one day was enough.  I didn't read everything in the museum, or watch every documentary, but I think another day would be too much.

Old Peanuts cartoon

After I had looked through the museum, I headed back home.  I was going to go shopping . . . but I'm just too tired.  Oh well.  I guess I'll have to go Monday.
Oh, another thing . . . the Newseum basically processes news from all over the globe every day, recording videos, receiving copies of newsprints, etc.  They even have a display outside the museum with the front page of a newspaper from each of the 50 states, plus a couple other newspapers that are changed every single morning.
I have a lot of information to process now, and there are some older news stories that I want to look up and get more information.  I think I'll wait until later, though, when my brain isn't so full of info.

They even had news on the bathroom walls!

Great view from the terrace of Level 6

Small news article talking about the death of Jews during the holocaust

That article was much smaller than an ad on the same page

Women can now VOTE!

The evolution of the telephone

Segregation of women and men

Tribute to 9/11, there were many more front pages, but I couldn't fit them in one shot.

Sad commentary on the education of our nation

The Woods

My room

I got back from my class trip to the woods in Hedgesville, WV a couple hours ago.  It was a lot of fun.  Basically the woods is an off-site activity kind of like a company retreat.  We worked with a company on various activities to form teams and accomplish specific tasks designed to create unity and teach us valuable lessons about ourselves and the dynamics of teamwork.
Yesterday morning, we met at FSI and took a couple buses to the West Virginia.  Upon arrival, we quickly got our room keys, dropped off our bags and assembled for the beginning of the team building exercises.  We were split up into teams.

The woods were right out my back door

Throughout the day we had various activities that were designed to help us learn to communicate and work as a team.  Some of them were more challenging then others, but they all had specific and valuable lessons to learn, which is why, I suppose, that we were doing them.
That night we had our class's Follies.  I was on the Follies committee and had a couple parts in the show.  It was really funny (I gauge this not by my own measure, but by the laughter from the audience).  I was in a couple comedic skits, and then danced/sang in another.
After the Follies, there was much drinking and karaoke.  I joined in the karaoke, of course, and was up until after 1am.

The Torch of Knowledge

This morning we had our final activities.  All the activities for the final day were designed to help us work together to achieve larger goals.  In fact, the final mission (grand finale, if you will) brought all of our groups together, working to accomplish a single goal.  That was intense.  It was great.  Not only did we succeed (our prize was the Torch of Knowledge as shown here), but they told us that we didn't make any errors in the task.  Apparently, this hasn't happened in about two years.  We felt pretty amazing when they told us that.  But we only did that because all of us worked together.  If even one person had made a mistake, it would have affected the entire group.
After the final activity we got on the buses and headed home.  It was an intense couple of days, but I think it really helped us to grow together as an A-100 class.

Hiking Great Falls

Today was a long, but interesting day of class.  After class, a bunch of my A-100 group drove out to Great Falls for a short and easy hike.  It was a lot of fun, and was very beautiful.  One of the guys in my group used to be a tour guide in DC, so he knew the history of the area.  It felt like we had a private tour.  It was great.  Enjoy some pictures from the hike:

After the hike, we all headed back home.  In the vehicle I was in, someone really had to go to the bathroom.  I decided to relieve myself, as well, since we were stopping anyway.  We stopped at a Wendy's somewhere in Courthouse, VA.  I was a little confused by the two toilet option:

I did not edit that picture...  There really were two toilets and no stalls in that bathroom.  Both toilets are connected and as far as I could tell (I didn't use both of them) they both work.
We started talking about food on our way back to Falls Church, so we decided to stop and get some food.  We stopped for Vietnamese (it's really close to where I live, so it made sense).  This time we did family style, so I tried a lot more different kinds of food.  It was all really good.  So far, I have definitely been impressed with Vietnamese food.

Night Out

Tonight after work I met up with Jamie again to hang out.  We went to a dramatic reading of a play about Lincoln.  It was interesting, and not what I expected.  Aimee was there, too, so it was good to see her.

Me and Jamie with the actor who read for Lincoln

Other than that, I also think I figured out why my apartment is making me sick.  One of the ladies in my class told me that the carpet in her apartment is off-gassing.  I guess new carpet does this.  I researched it a little, and it seems to be a common problem.  It makes sense to me.  I don't know how long it takes for it to clear, but I'm going to leave the window and balcony door open for awhile.  I hope that will fix it quickly.

Unexpected Run-ins and Museums

Inside a mail cart in the Postal Museum

Jamie and I went into Maryland for church today (that's where the DC Singles Ward meets).  It is close to a metro stop, so it was much easier to get to then the church I'll be going to regularly.  There, Jamie saw several people that she knows.  I told her, I don't know anyone here.  Then at the end of church, I was surprised to see my friend Aimee!  She is here for the Washington Seminar, so will be in DC at least until December.  I'm pretty excited about it.
After church, Jamie and I went downtown and went to a couple of museums.  We went into the Postal Museum, and then to the National Gallery of Art.  It was interesting and very fun.  I will definitely have to take some time later to go through the other museums of the Smithsonian!

Inside the Art Gallery

 I had to leave to go to my Follies committee meeting (I'm on the Follies committee for my A-100 class.  The Follies is a program that is done at our "company retreat" which is known as our Offsite experience at The Woods Resort).  We did read-throughs for the skits/performances that were ready, and made some other important decisions about the show.
Then I headed home.  After getting off at my metro stop, I was surprised to see Jamie walking ahead of me!  It was funny because she had texted me from the bus she was on while I was walking to the metro after my meeting.
This was a good weekend.  Now I have to get back to work for tomorrow!

Downtown DC

Washington Memorial

I wasn't expecting to do anything interesting today.  I was going to work on my stuff (aka just do work) for most of the day.  But I got an unexpected message from a friend (one that I met just a few weeks ago on my cruise) saying that she was in DC and was wondering if I had time to hang out.  Well, since I really do have work to do, I worked on that a little before I finally felt I could leave.  So I met her in downtown DC around 4:00.  It may have taken a little longer to meet up with her, I'm not sure, because neither of us really knew which direction I needed to go to find her.
But, we took some good pictures and walked around the mall.  By the time we got around to the museums, they were closed (most close at 5) so we hopped on a doubledecker bus and drove around to the Jefferson Memorial.  Jamie had been walking around for several hours before I arrived, but she hadn't seen the Jefferson Memorial up close and personal yet. 

On the top of the bus

We waited to get back on the bus, but after a long while realized that it wasn't coming back.  We walked to the metro and got on towards Foggy Bottom.  There we got off and walked into Georgetown.  We were told of a place called Georgetown Cupcakes, and we wanted to get something sweet to eat.

Jefferson Memorial

On the way there, we stopped to get some real food at a place called Thai Coast.  It was delicious.  We had no idea that we were sitting in a shop next to BYU's Washington Seminar Building.  It was quite amusing when we discovered that, especially by how we discovered that.  We were sitting in the street cafe portion of the restaurant when Jamie saw someone that looked familiar.  She called out to him, and it was the person she knew.  Jamie is from California, and this guy is from her hometown.  Random, huh?  Nice thing was that he was able to give us directions to his church, so I won't have to worry about that since my Bishop hasn't gotten back to me with a ride to my church.
But, by the time all this happened and we got on our way to the cupcake store, we discovered that they close at 9.  We still looked at the shops, which was interesting, but we were sorely disappointed that we could not get a cupcake.

Sunset from the Jefferson Memorial

Instead, we caught a bus back to Ballston Metro Station.  There we were going to catch a different bus, but after 25 min of waiting, we discovered the bus was going to be another half hour.  During that time, we did go to a dessert shop across the street; that was delicious.  But since the bus was going to be so much later, we decided to catch the metro instead.  A little later, we were picked up by Jamie's friend (the one she is staying with right now) at the East Falls Church metro, and I got a ride the short distance home.

Thai restaurant

It was a good day.  And now I know how to get to all the major sites in DC.

Three Years Ago Today . . .

Three years ago today my mom passed away.  About ten days ago, as I was packing and going through my things, I pulled out a box that has all my journals.  For some reason, I decided to see what I was doing a year ago that day.  Then I went back two years, and finally three.  But I kept reading.  I came across the entry that I made the day that my mother died.  I wanted to share part of what I wrote with you as a tribute to my mother:

My mom holding my brother in 1983.

"I don't know how it could happen so fast. . . . my mom is dead . . . I'm alternating between grief and numbness.  It doesn't feel real, it can't feel real or I would never survive. . . .
It is weird how death can hit the same person in different ways.  When my brother died I was filled with emotion, with my mother's death, I am empty.  I am in a state of denial and any time reality tries to push its way through, I am brought to tears and so push it back down. . . .
I am exhausted in every possible way: physically, emotionally, mentally . . . We leave for Bismarck tomorrow."

This is the last picture I have of my mom, one month before she passed away.  Even though she was sick at the time (though we didn't know how sick), she still managed to smile...

Two days later I wrote: "I just got back from helping to dress my mother.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but one of the last things I could ever do for her.  I couldn't hold in the tears, especially after touching her cold body.  It didn't look like her at all.  My mom always has a smile on her face, that body didn't. . . .
I feel so tired.  I am very glad to be home, but it is weird, especially without my mom. . . . The house feels different without her . . . kind of empty. . . "
Three years later, it is amazing how much of a void still remains.  There are roles in my life that she filled that no one else could ever fill, no matter how hard they try.  And yet I keep moving forward.  Somehow I am able to manage without her, though I often wish I didn't have to.  No matter how many years pass, I will always miss her and I will always hope to make her proud.

I Made it Through the First Week

Walkway over the major roadway

The first week is officially over.  It feels like it has been much longer than just 5 days.  Of course, I still have things I need to get done this weekend. In any event, I've spent this evening relaxing a little.
I've been having problems with allergies all week, but I'm starting to think that my allergies are mainly from my apartment.  They got better during the day, but as soon as I walked into my apartment, they got worse.  Shortly later, I left to get some more groceries (I needed more than just what I was able to carry on Monday).  When I left, they started to get better.  In any event, I guess I'll have to monitor my symptoms over the next several days.
I walked to the grocery store.  I decided to go to Safeway because I discovered that was near PetSmart and Target.  As I was walking there, I discovered a much easier way to get to Shoppers!  Instead of having to run across a major road avoiding traffic as best I can, there is actually a walk-way across the road.  Imagine my surprise!  If only I had known about this on Monday!  I felt a little like an idiot.  But if I ever need to go to Shoppers again, I know a much easier way to get there!

It's hard to see as the sun is setting, but this is the walkway
from afar.

Now I have lots of food.  I can eat breakfast for real, rather than just a little bagel.  I can eat lunch, and actually make something for dinner!  I'm pretty happy.

Bid list!

After a long day, we received our bid list today.  I have to admit that at first I was a little disappointed.  When I thought about it afterward, I think I was disappointed for two reasons.  1. There weren't very many Russian speaking posts (only 4.3% of the posts are Russian speaking, half of which don't start until mid to late next year) and 2. At first glance, there didn't seem to be anything that I thought was really interesting.
But, I've been looking up information about pet restrictions to help me make more informed decisions about each post.  Of all the different posts, only 10.75 % have some kind of pet quarantine (I'm including one where the information said if they don't accept the certification then your pet would be quarantined and one that may not be possible due to unusual restrictions on the timing of vaccinations).  That doesn't limit my possibilities by much.  I'll have to look at other things (such as languages, timing, etc.) before I make my final bid list.
Needless to say, it's going to be a long and interesting next couple of weeks!

Vietnamese Food and Ice Cream

The restaurant where we ate

I made it through my second day as a Foreign Service Officer.  It was much more interesting than yesterday, but just as tiring.  I was hoping to get to bed early tonight, but I think I am incapable of doing that.  Especially since the reason I am up is that I went with a few people to Little Saigon to get Vietnamese food, then to CVS pharmacy and finally to get ice cream.
I've never had Vietnamese food before, so I couldn't turn down the chance to get some.  Sure, I could go at a later date, but why pass up the opportunity when others were wanting to go today?  I had some grilled lemongrass beef on rice vermicelli.  It was really good, I must admit.  The weird thing is . . .  they don't accept credit cards!  I'm not kidding.  I was worried because I didn't have enough cash on me to pay my portion of the bill.  One of the guys who was there offered to loan me some cash, but on a whim I asked if they accepted checks.  The response was, yes!  Just to make sure, I asked, "from North Dakota?"  Yes!  So, this restaurant didn't accept credit cards, but they accepted out of state checks.  Who'd of thought?
The ice cream (ok, I got a smoothie) was really good, and I'm glad I went, even though it put me out later than I had planned.  Luckily, tomorrow we start a little later, so I don't have to get up quite so early.

First Day

Oakwood, Falls Church.  The main building with my building
showing in the background.

I did it.  I made it through my first day as an FSO.  Of course, this was probably the easiest day I will ever have (or so I imagine) since all I had to do was listen, fill out paperwork, sit, have my picture taken, have my finger prints taken, and things of that nature.
I drove with a few other new FSOs this morning to Main State.  We were worried that the Shuttle wouldn't get us to Main State on time.  We ended up being an hour early.  Security wasn't ready for us by the time we got there.  But I'm glad we went early because I was able to do the things for my badge that I needed to do right in the morning.  That means my badge was ready by 10 am when most people were doing the paperwork/verification/authentication necessary to have their badge printed.
After that, I went into the auditorium where we were to meet.  There was a little bit of waiting (but that doesn't surprise me after all the waiting I've done in the hiring process of this job) and then we began.  There was a welcome and we had a small swearing in.  I got the chills when we repeated the oath.  I know there is a formal ceremony later at the end of A-100, but still, it started to make it feel more official.  I'm really doing this.  I am serving my country.

Oakwood has a schedule of events including
an Ice cream social!!  It sounds like they
have a lot of good activities for the residents.

Next we had new hire information (I don't remember the order, but things like benefits and health insurance).  At 10am I got my badge (hurray!  Now it really is official!  I can walk around the building without an escort!), then filled out/turned in the remaining new hire paperwork that the registrar's office needed from me.  I was done by 10:30, so I went to lunch early.
I ate in the cafeteria.  It was really expensive.  It was good, but it was really expensive.  That kind of surprised me because the cafeteria in the ND Capitol Building was very reasonable.  I got a little extra so that I would have food for dinner (I didn't have the chance to go to the grocery store).  I still had two hours after that, so I got some information on health insurance plans, then made some important phone calls (like canceling the auto insurance policy on the car I gave to my sister).  I talked with some fellow 156th A-100ers before we headed back to the auditorium for the remainder of our day.  We had more information poured into our brains (retirement, security information, travel technicians).  I'm not sure if I have room for any more information in my brain after today!
Since I had my badge already, when we finished there, I was able to leave.  I decided to take the metro and got home around 5:00.  I did some laundry and then went to the grocery store.
It took a little for me to find the place, but I did.  I was surprised how reasonable the grocery prices were.  I got fresh produce for less than $1 per lb (including grapes, apples, and plums).  That was nice.  Since I walked, I didn't want to carry a lot of food, so I got some bread and sandwich meat in addition to my produce.  I didn't get milk or cereal :(

World Marketplace!!!!!!  There were something like 8 aisles
of international foods.  It was pretty exciting.

While I was there, I was surprised to run into several aisles labeled the World Marketplace!  They had so many different kinds of international foods!  I didn't spend much time looking in those aisles (as my space was limited) but I am excited to see what kinds of foods I can get when I have a little more space!
All in all, it has been a full and exhausting day.  Tomorrow the real fun begins (I think/hope).  Tomorrow is the beginning of orientation.

New Home

I am now in DC.  I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow, so I don't have much time to write, but I wanted to post so you knew I made it.  I posted about my move, but will add pictures later.  I will also add pictures of my new place.  It is the nicest place I have ever lived in.  But it doesn't feel like home yet.  Maybe it will after I get some food in my kitchen.  Until then, I think it will feel more like a hotel.

Living Room

Dining Room

Kitchen

Bathroom

Bedroom

Moving Wisdom

Final packing of HHE

The movers have just finished.  All in all it took about 6 ½ hours to pack my little trailer.  The driver told me he was surprised how much I had.  He thought it wasn’t going to take very long to load.  I sure surprised him!

My place feels very empty.  And now I have errands I need to run while the day is young.  But first I wanted to write some important and useful tidbits of moving wisdom that I have learned over the past 6 ½ hours.

•  Don’t assume that your UAB shipment is within weight.  Step on a scale with each individual piece to ensure you are ok if you have to: 55 + 55 + 50 + 30 + 25 + 15 + shipping container of 25? = 255 (Hopefully the scales were off in my favor . . . meaning that it all actually weighs less than that!)  In the future I will make sure this gets packed FIRST.  (They didn’t get packed in my order of priority, either).
•   Liquids = bad.  They cannot be stored, so fit them into your luggage/your UAB, or get rid of them (unless the HHE is shipping to post, then I imagine it would be ok).
• Forget lighters, too (flammable).
• Be prepared for flies to enter your house during the time that your doors are wide open, and lots of them.
• Be prepared to repeat yourself over and over again about what goes where.
• Keep like things together as otherwise they will end up in random boxes.
• Watch the movers like a hawk or while you aren’t watching, they will pack something you didn’t intend them to pack.
• Before the last box is sealed, make sure to check for any small items that were missed.
• Simplify, simplify, simplify!  The less you own, the easier the pack out will be!

The truck that took away my UAB

That’s all I can think of for now.  I think future moves will be easier, not just because I have now experienced a professional move, but also because I think I will be less often shipping so much of my stuff to storage.

Well, I suppose I should go find a productive use for the rest of my day.

Pack Out

The large moving truck brought to haul my stuff.

The movers are here packing my stuff and loading the truck.  It is weird because I’m not used to sitting around (standing in this case because they’ve already taken the couch and chair and a half out of my place) and doing nothing while other people work.  At the same time, I don’t want to be in the way.  There are three men here: two doing the packing, and one driver (who is also loading the truck).  They seem to be very efficient. One of the packers is new (today is his very first day . . . aka I am his first move), but he is doing all the easy stuff . . . aka not breakable.  I don’t feel too concerned about how they’re packing my effects, so that is good.

The start of packing

There was a little snag when they first got here; they didn’t know about my air shipment.  I guess usually air shipments are sent overseas, not within the US.  The State Department must be an exception to that, and I doubt many people from the State Department get packed out up here.

Gizmo is handling everything very well.  I’m surprised.  When the couch was still here, he sat quietly by my side while the men packed boxes around us.  Now he is sitting quietly in the bottom of one of my bookshelves.  As long as he is not exposed/out in the open, he does fine.  I was afraid that he would try to run outside, but that hasn’t been a problem.

They are packing things a lot faster than I anticipated.  I guess they go to lunch about 12:30 and at that time they will bring a scale to weigh my UAB shipment.  Hopefully I can take everything I have separated out.  At least I have developed an order of preference: Food, Gizmo’s things, clothing, toiletries, books, guitar, and then Christmas decorations.  I think that is all I have set aside for my UAB. 

Gizmo hiding in my book shelf.  Though he has his leash on, he's not tied to anything.

It is weird to see my stuff slowly disappear from around me . . . while I do nothing . . .

Moving Day!

Gizmo hiding under my bed.

It is finally pack out day for me.  The movers should be here any minute now.  I’m starting to feel more and more nervous as time goes on.  I have this nagging feeling that I am forgetting something . . . which is weird because I’ve packed and repacked my suitcases about 3 times now.  I finally got it figured out where I can have all the things I need (though less clothes) and be within my 50lbs/70lbs luggage restrictions (I decided to make one of my suitcases 70lbs because there is no way I could fit everything I need for Gizmo and everything I need for me in only 100lbs.  I even got more pairs of shoes into my suitcases!

Gizmo's partially eaten food . . . unheard of!

I have a feeling that this day is going to be an experience.  I think Gizmo realizes something is up because he is busy hiding.  He even left food in his dish!

Final Day at Cross Country Courier

Today was my last day at CCC.  It feels weird to be done.  I’m so excited for this move in my life, and yet I find myself looking back with more sadness than I expected.

Gizmo and I taking a nap rather than packing . . .

I always hate good-byes.  I really care about a lot of these people, and now I’m leaving.  It’s amazing how quickly people can take root in your heart.  And it hurts to pull them out (not that I’m forgetting about them when I leave, but it will never be the same).  I’m surprised at how people seem to have come to care about me, too.  Yesterday I had a man whom I’ve never met who works at another company ask to speak with me.  Sure, I’ve talked to him several times on the phone before, but he wanted to wish me luck before I left.  He told me that my co-workers think very highly of me.  What does it take for someone who has never set foot in the office to understand how my co-workers feel about me?

Yes, it did get this bad!

There was a pot-luck today filled with lots of great food.  My manager gave me a card that had been signed by everyone on the floor.  When she came over to give it to me, she started to tear up.  How is it possible to make such an impact on someone after less than a year that tears well up in their eyes when they think of you leaving?

It’s not that I’m devoid of emotion in this matter.  I just know I couldn’t be happy staying there (or here in Bismarck, for that matter) forever.  I’m sad to say good-bye because I have truly enjoyed my time at CCC.  I love the people I work with and I’ve made friends that I hope will last a lifetime.  But oh how quickly a move of this proportion can change that.

Scott, the man I trained to replace me who also helped me with my car said, you just need a dad.  Clarissa, the woman who started the same day that I did, has become a surrogate mother.  Others have confided in me and take my philosophy about men seriously (heaven help the world if all women thought about men like I do!!).  I guess it is no wonder that after a year someone can make such an impact on the people around them because those same people make an impact on them, too.

One chapter in my life is closing.  But characters often reappear in later chapters.  I hope that is the case with many of these.

Moving and packing and moving and packing . . .

Piles of stuff to go through, including my
recently finished laundry

Oh the joys of moving!  If you can't catch the sarcasm in the previous statement (due to the limited ability of blogging to project such emotions) I will spell it out for you: I - H - A - T - E - P - A - C - K - I - N - G!
The only good thing about this move (besides being the start of my career/what I want) is that I don't have to do most of the packing, meaning I don't actually have to physically pack anything (besides my suitcases that will be traveling with me on the plane).  I thought that meant the move would be easy.  What I didn't realize was that the most difficult part of moving is still mine: sorting!
Basically I have to sort everything I own into four groups: what will be going with me on the plane (mainly clothes and things I need for Gizmo), what will be coming to me in DC in a few weeks (called UAB for Unaccompanied Air Baggage), what will be going into storage (called HHE for HouseHold Effects), and finally what I will be getting rid of (aka, donating).  In order to pack all this stuff, I have basically made a giant mess in my place.  It helps that my sister moved out yesterday so I have her old room to put stuff in, but you are never aware of how much JUNK you own until you start pulling it out to move.

More piles, my sisters move may have
helped a lot, but in some ways has
made things a little more complicated.

I'm especially aware because someone is going to be looking at everything I own and has to be able to list it on an inventory.  What about all those little trinkets/momentos that I've saved from childhood (which I must admit have decreased in quantity over the years)?  What do they write on a box like that?  Childhood memories?  Or what about on the inventory list, do they generally group them, or will they have to list everything individually: glowworm (remember those things?), African woven bookmark that says "Stand as a Witness", seashells from Oregon, seashells from Hawaii, Funny money from sixth grade, etc.

Gizmo just had to help!  Well, really he just had to be in
the middle of it all!

Or what about the stuff that I've kept because I swear some day I'm going to use them in my scrapbook? Bus/trolley ticket stubs from my public transportation days in Russia, programs from theater shows/musical productions, etc, pamphlets from historical sites, and other papers.  How do those get labeled?  Crafts, or scrapbooking supplies?  I admit it is all a mystery to me.  And I guess that doesn't really matter since I won't be the one labeling them, but it sure makes me self conscious since a lot of those things probably appear as junk to everyone else.  And honestly, right now they are.  I just haven't used them in my scrapbook to enhance the pictures that I already have, or figured out what else to do with them.  And maybe some day I will end up getting rid of them, but for now I am not ready to let go of everything from my past.