Really the last email

Dear family, well, this is really my last email. I am leaving Marx (Маркс) in about an hour and a half. I was supposed to leave 30 minutes ago, but President won't be coming until 11:00. I wasn't sure what to do with my time, but thought that I would take the time to see what people wrote me, and who wrote. But, after this, I will not be sending emails from my mission . . . that is so weird to think and I don't think it has really hit me yet.
This last week has been spent saying good-bye to everyone, even to some in Engels (Энгельс). You see, we had our big, two-day conference in Энгельс. On Thursday, we went to Энгельс on a bus, that was awful, even though it was only for an hour, I got sick to my stomach. I've been having problems with motion sickness lately. Usually trains are fine and so are taxis, but buses and gazelles kill me. But, that's a different story. When we arrived, we played soccer (but first we took pictures at the Saratov (Саратов) sign. While we were waiting, one of the Elders from our zone, Elder Page, was acting a little weird - see picture) and later that evening went to the church in Энгельс for our Christmas dinner. We had pancakes and real maple syrup and eggs. It was good, except I think they put too much soda into the pancakes. I couldn't finish mine, but then again, they were cold by the time I got to them. That is only because we were in Энгельс and since they didn't cancel English, many people who I know came in. It was great to see them and they were really happy to see me, too. A couple of them are not members who came regularly to English while I served in Энгельс. They said it was good to see me one last time, and were hopeful that I was coming back, but they were a little sad to find out that I am really leaving all together. But, what can you do? It was still good to see them. Also, one less active girl came in who I was not able to see before I left Энгельс. You should have seen the look on her face! She was so surprised to see me! She took my email address and gave me hers and made me promise to write her. Then, the active girl that always helped us with missionary work showed up, too. She was happy to see me but was upset when she found out that she wouldn't be able to come to the train station to see me off because President was coming to get me in Маркс. (That's because Sister Дэлгэрцэцэг (Delgertsetseg) will be staying with a member here in Маркс called a mini-missionary, and I can't go to Samara (Самара) by myself). But, it was good to see her.

After dinner we had a White Elephant gift exchange. I don't really like White Elephants because there are always a few people who don't understand and literally bring trash. That's no fun. I like it when you get something that you could use, but would never want to get as a gift, like a toilet brush or something like that. Its useful, but you would never ask someone to get you one for Christmas. But, there are many who don't understand that and that makes it not fun to play. Anyway, we had 42 missionaries there. I was number 17 to pick a gift. No one stole anything, they just opened new presents, and so I was wondering what I should do. I didn't want to add anything to my luggage, so I slowly walked up there thinking that I could take the smallest present. Then, in front of one of the Elders, I noticed a candy bar. I thought, that is something I can use up before I go, so I reached over, said, thank you, and took it. (If you look in the background, you will see Elder Wade who was so surprised when I took his candy bar). Everyone started laughing and cheering, but that Elder was really surprised and said, Sister Атвуд, you can't do that! But I walked away. It was pretty funny. After that, more people started stealing presents, but before me, no one did.

After that, we took little gifts, split up into little groups, took hymnals, and headed out to go see less active members in Энгельс. Because I knew the area, I was a group leader. We went to see one less active lady that we worked a lot with. When we arrived, her boyfriend answered the door, but we started singing anyway. (This picture is a reenactment of our caroling. From left to right: Sisters Дэлгэрцэцэг, Wheeler, Wrathal, and me). I guess he went to where she was and said, Атвуд came. She came to the door and was really happy to see me. We finished the song and then I asked if we could come in. She let us in and I shared a spiritual thought. One of the Elders with us had wanted to share the spiritual thought, but I remembered how she only listens to me (literally, she never listened to my companion when we would teach her, only to me) and so I said that it would probably be better if I gave the thought. He agreed. During the lesson, his companion tried to add something, and just as I thought, she interrupted him and didn't listen. I don't know why she does that, but I felt bad for him. Then, we gave her the gift and left. She told me as we were leaving that she called me a couple times (I already knew that. She really called me 6 times in one day and the other day was 5 or something like that, but I didn't answer because I knew that if I did she would always call me and we're not allowed to talk to members in cities where we are no longer serving) but that I didn't answer. She said that she was feeling bad and didn't have anyone to talk to. But, I told her that she can write me now and I will be waiting for a letter from her.

Then we left. The next day was our conference. It was a good conference. We ended with a testimony meeting like usual. I thought, I should bear my testimony one last time. I got up and said, Elders and Sister, and I couldn't say anything else. I was just overwhelmed and the tears came. It was awful. I managed to get a few sentences out (I speak really bad Russian when I am crying) and then I sat down. The tears kept flowing for the next 20 minutes. I didn't like that at all. [Since my last conference was a half mission conference for Christmas, President dressed up in a Santa's hat to announce our presents].
Afterwards, I had my last conference interview with President. That was weird because we didn't talk about the work like we usually do. We talked a lot about my companion and whether or not I think she is ready for the responsibility of being senior companion. I told him that she can do it even though she is a little scared.
(Conferences are always a time for pictures. To the right is a picture of all the sisters from my last conference. Left to right: Sisters Дэлгэрцэцэг, me, Anaya, Kuligowski, Wheeler, Rathal).

After a while, we came back to Маркс on a taxi. Our taxi driver was an interesting man. We talked about religion the entire time. We also found out that he doesn't trust America and will never forgive us for what we did to the American Indians. I thought that was funny because my ancestors are American Indians and the American Indians themselves seem to have forgiven America, but he can't. Oh well, he was an interesting man.

Yesterday, my last Sunday was also really weird. I was supposed to teach the lesson in Relief Society, but the branch president wanted to show a new movie that we got during conference called By Small and Simple Means. It is supposed to help motivate members to do missionary work. But, when the movie was over, we still had 10 minutes and they asked me to say something. So, I got up and bore my testimony. I have literally been in Маркс for one month, and I am already leaving. That is so weird to me and the members all told me that it isn't fair that I was here for so little time. I had to agree with that, but I guess that Lord's will was that I should be here for that short of time. I hope that we have accomplished during this time what He wanted me to accomplish.
(For my last night in Маркс, one of the members, Лена [Lena], invited us to her apartment for dinner. The picture to the left is from that night. Seated clockwise: Света [Sveta], Elder Brinkerhof, Elder Стручков [Struchkov], Лена, Сестра Дэлгэрцэцэг, me, and Женя [Zhenya]).

Now, I am just waiting to head out to Самара. I think the next few days will be really weird and will go by too quickly. Before I know it, I will be back in Bismarck. I can't even imagine what that will be like to see you all and everything. I don't really want to. Its so hard to figure out how I feel about this, though people keep asking me about that. Its amazing how people can come to love you and you can come to love people in only one month. One lady told me, its too bad that you are leaving, you're such a good sister and my spirit is lighter after talking with you. Others have made me promise to write them. One girl who doesn't even really know me was on the verge of tears when I talked to her. It is all so weird. I think I've come to the right conclusion. They love me because I am a missionary and I love them because I am a missionary. That connection doesn't take time, it can take a 30 minute lesson in their home, or a 5 minute talk at church, but all the same, that connection is there. I think it will end up being a lot harder to leave than I can even imagine.
Well, my time is running out and we should probably head back to our apartment just in case President comes early. But in the end I just wanted to say, thanks to everyone who wrote me this week, mom, dad, grandpa, Lizzy, Sara. Thanks to all who have thought about me while I've been away, thanks for your prayers, thanks for your support, and most of all thanks for your love. I don't know if I would have made it with out you. I will see you in a few days.

Love,

Сестра (I'm still Sister for awhile) Атвуд


The picture at the right was taken just before President Давыдик arrived at our apartment in Маркс. This was the last time I saw my dear Sister Дэлгэрцэцэг.

Дэлгэрцэцэг's Mistake

I just realized that I never told about this story that happened. Every morning, I woke up, got ready, ate breakfast, and then studied for several hours (first scripture study for an hour by myself, an hour with my companion, and finally an hour of language study). We (Sister Дэлгэрцэцэг [Delgertsetseg] and I) were getting ready for out conference in Энгельс (Engels) where we needed to have a white elephant gift. We were leaving the next day, and Sister Дэлгэрцэцэг still needed to find one. We had brought a lot of stuff from Энгельс when we moved because we had to empty the apartment. There were many things left by other sisters who had gone home, so we had to bring those things, too. I told her that she could look through those things and pick something for her gift. She went into the other room and started looking through the stuff while I continued to study.
Before long, I heard a shriek come from that room. I called out, "What's wrong?" but then realized what had happened. I remembered that a certain dangerous item had been among those we brought from Энгельс, in fact, there was a certain thing called pepper spray there. I immediately realized that she must have sprayed the pepper spray. I ran into that room and sure enough, I found Sister Дэлгэрцэцэг sitting on the bed (luckily it wasn't the room we sleep in) with her hands over her face. I told her that we needed to get out of there. I took her into the kitchen where we opened the window, shut the door and closed ourselves from that awful smell. I figured that we could have an early lunch.
Well, soon after, I realized that we needed to open a window in the other room so that the spray could clear. I left the kitchen, but was unable to get very far before I started coughing and my eyes started burning. It was a horrible feeling (anyone who has experienced pepper spray knows what that feels like). So, I had to go back into the kitchen to save myself. The next time I ventured out, I got a towel to cover my face so I could run and open a window. I opened the balcony door to try and clear the apartment.
In the meantime, we ate and began to wait for the smell to clear. I think we were shut up in that kitchen for an hour and a half. I even braved the other room (with a towel of course) to get something to read while we waited. I've never been happier to be able to leave a place then when we realized that the smell had completely dissipated and we could venture out of the kitchen without risk of hacking and burning.
Later, Sister Дэлгэрцэцэг told me that she remembered me telling her in Энгельс to never, ever touch that little but deadly can. In the process of the move and everything, she completely forgot. As she was looking through the stuff, she thought it was perfume or air freshener and wanted to know what it smelled like. She found out, alright, and I experienced my first (and only?) brush with pepper spray.

Пред-последнее письмо

Дорогая семья,
Как всё у вас всех? Всё хорошо у меня. Может и это последнее письмо, а хотела, чтобы было особенно. Oops, I guess you don’t know what I said . . . oh well, no big deal. I’ll just start again:
Dear family,
How is everything? Everything is fine here. This may be my last letter so I wanted it to be special. . . .Yikes, after typing in Russian, I can’t look at the keyboard at all to be able to write in English or I get confused with the letters! Crazy!
Anyway, now that that is out of the way, I’ll begin a real letter. First things first, as usual, thanks to everyone who wrote me this week! I’ll begin with that.
Mom, thanks for your letter. As for packages, I sent a package home about a month or so ago. It was really expensive. The prices have doubled and so it cost twice as much as last time. Luckily, I had a little money left over that I didn’t buy books or movies with so I only had to take half out of the bank. I had that money in there already, so don’t worry about sending me any. Just, watch for it. I kept forgetting to tell you that I sent it. It was sent on November 9 and the lady said that it should get there in a month or so, so let me know if/and when it comes. I don’t know if I will be checking my email next week. Since we have our p-day on Mondays now, I probably will, so write anyway. I don’t know when I am leaving Marx [Маркс] (they never tell us anything here until the last minute) but I think that we will leave Monday afternoon. If that is the case, we will probably come to the internet in the morning so Sister Delgertsetseg can write President and since we’ll be in the internet, I will, too. So, to make a long story short, write me because most likely I will be able to check my email. If we don’t leave Monday, we will be leaving Tuesday. I have to admit that I have a lot of mixed feelings. I really don’t want to leave. (See the picture to the left - taken in Маркс, it reads "I love Marx" in Russian). We are just getting started here in Маркс. The members are good, but not very strong yet, and I want to be around to strengthen them. But, at the same time, I am tired and worn out and I want to see everyone on Christmas. Christmas without family is not Christmas to me. So, part of me doesn’t want to leave and last week in my letter to President, I almost asked if I could stay longer. But, the other part of me wants to see everyone, and I want to be home for Christmas, so I didn’t ask. I don’t think he would have agreed anyway because they have rules now to extend your mission there has to be a special reason and you have to get permission from the area presidency. So, the likelihood of me being able to stay a little while longer is slim to none, but I didn’t ask anyway. I’m glad that grandpa is doing ok, too.
By the way, I was thinking about this, how is it going to work for me to be released? Will I be able to meet with the stake president before Sunday, or will I need to wait until then? I think the sooner the better. I’m not sure exactly how it all works out, but I would like to be able to go somewhere by myself if need be.
Dad, thanks for your email. I am planning on going to the temple on Friday when I get back. It has been a long time since I’ve been there and I have probably already forgotten everything!
Heather, thanks for your email! That’s too bad that you are moving, I would have liked to be able to hang out with you a lot before I go back to school next fall. But, I understand that you gotta do what you gotta do. At least you won’t be too far away and at least we will see each other before you go! Well, if you make it to Bismarck before Christmas, I plan on going caroling on Saturday before that! Erin can come, too, if she wants, and maybe I’ll sing a little in Russian! That would be so great!
Lizzy, thanks for sharing what Sister Bundy said, I really appreciate that, though looking back on things, I don’t think I was strong at all during that time. I’m also glad that you got something that you liked from the White Elephant exchange. As for pictures, I guess you are going to have a lot to show me when I come home and I will have a lot to show everyone. It should make for an interesting first few weeks.
Sara, I think that would be a cruel trick to play because then maybe two people would want the same thing and when they find out that you didn’t get that for them, they may be disappointed! But if we never think that something is for us, then there’s no problem!
Ok, what else can I say? We had to do surgery on my boots this week. You see, the left one was really hurting my foot, pressing on my heel. I wasn’t really sure what to do, but it got so bad that I couldn’t even walk without limping! Then I noticed a HUGE bump on my heel, it hurt really bad. So, I examined my boot and realized that the stuff under the lining that was supposed to give support, was pushing into my foot. Elder Struchkov (Стручков) told me that it was time to buy new boots and I said, no way! I only have two weeks left and I don’t wear boots at home! So, Sister Delgertsetseg (Дэлгэрцэцэг) and I went to work. We used a pair of scissors and a knife to cut away the lining and remove the “support underneath” then my companion sewed a piece of fabric from her purse into my boot (see pictures). It worked pretty well. Because of the lump on my foot, its still been pretty painful to walk and we haven’t done much this past week, only to and from appointments. That’s ok because we have a lot of work to get done at home before I leave so I was able to work on that without feeling guilty. I was able to make a list of everyone in the branch that I know something about and who we are not allowed to go see, and I was also able to fix up the mess that the Elders left in regards to investigators and stuff like that. I also started packing a little. I can’t pack all at one time, I don’t know why, so I just got things a little organized to make it easier for me to pack when that time comes. The only thing I have left to do is make a list of people who we are working with so it will be easier for the next sister, and then pack everything.
This week, we will be having a two-day conference in Саратов (Saratov). It should be really good. On Thursday we will be taking a group picture and then playing soccer or something like that. Later in the day we will have a Christmas lunch and then we are going caroling to inactive members in Энгельс (Engels). I am really excited about that! Maybe I’ll see some people that we worked with! The next day will be conference.
What else is going on? Not really a whole lot, everyone keeps reminding me that I am leaving soon, and that makes it really hard to concentrate on the work, but I am trying really hard. I want to go out working harder than ever before. Now that I can walk without too much trouble, that should be easier and we will be able to go contacting these last few days and maybe try to meet some new people besides saying goodbye to all the members. By the way, I had to speak in church yesterday, it was crazy. They also asked me to give the lesson in Relief Society next Sunday, as a farewell address of some sorts. That is going to be really hard and I hope that I will be able to inspire the women here.
Everything is all so weird. I don’t know how I feel, I don’t know what I think, and most of all, I don’t understand what has happened to me the past year and a half. Maybe I will never understand to what extent my mission has changed me, but I do know that I am no longer the same person that I was all those months ago. I can’t even imagine what it is like to be home because home is just a dream, a far away dream that doesn’t seem possible that it is real. Then again, I’ve never been able to get myself to believe what has happened here, that I am really on a mission, really in Russia, really serving the Lord, and really speaking in Russian (how is that even possible?). It seems to me that there is nothing else besides my mission and now I am leaving, returning to a world that I haven’t seen in a long time to people I haven’t seen either. When all is said and done, there is no explanation for what has been said and done, just a faded memory, a few journal entries, and some pictures. That is what my mission will be for the rest of my life while you, home and everything there will once again become reality. That’s a sobering thought. People here don’t believe you when you say you want to come back. They think good-bye is the end and they will never see you again. No one believes me when I say I will write . . . they don’t believe because so many have gone before me who have made similar promises and then failed in those promises. I can not fail. I can not let these people down. I can not abandon my brothers and sisters here in Russia, but I’m afraid that the reality of life will be so strong that the faded memory of those once known and loved will disappear completely. Why do good things have to end? Why can’t all the people I love be in one place, easy to reach where I can see them everyday if I choose? But, I guess that is what we are working for, huh? That is our goal, to live with our families and loved ones forever. That is the ends I have been working towards. I haven’t yet seen that goal realized, but I hope and pray and have faith that it will be realized. That’s all I can really do.
Love,
Сестра Атвуд

a little better

Dear family,

Well, here another week has completely passed. I can hardly believe it! It seems like I have been gone from home forever, but somehow that time has gone by so quickly!

So, first things first, thanks to everyone who wrote me this week: mom, dad, Heather, Lizzy, and Sara.

Mom, thanks for your letter. I have to admit that I was shocked to hear about everyone being so sick! (I mean grandpa having surgery, Sister Cox being in the hospital, etc.) I hope everything is ok with them now. I don't want everyone to be sick when I get home, so get well soon! By the way, I was thinking about this, and I don't want to have a second Christmas. That is Becky's loss for not coming home. Instead, since I wasn't home for Thanksgiving, we could have a second Thanksgiving with her. We can talk more about that later, but I thought that was a good idea.

Dad, thanks for your letter. I have to admit that I've been struggling a lot the past week with feeling like I'm not accomplishing anything. When those moments come, I start feeling like maybe I have wasted my entire mission. But, I had a few experiences this week that have made me feel better about that. I can't say that I have seen anymore results than before, but I've had some experiences that show me at least I am doing the will of the Lord, and THAT is never a waste of time. First, on Wednesday, we had an appointment with the branch librarian [Нина, Nina as seen between me and Sister Дэлгэрцэцэг (Delgertsetseg) in the picture to the left. This picture was taken at our last meeting with her] (when we have little work we spend a lot of time with the active members to teach them, help them talk with their friends and family, and try to get referrals from them). As we left the apartment, the thought came to me, we should always have some Joseph Smith pamphlets with us. So, I took the time to grab a couple from the other room and we headed out the door. As we were walking down the road to the member's house, an older woman called out to us. With her was a young girl of maybe 17 or 18 years old. She began by asking us if we, too, are missionaries. I said, yes. Then she went on, (she, of course, is a Jehovah's Witness) trying to show me that in the Bible it says we should pray to God using His name. She read her verses, I added my own interpretation, (especially where she read the Lord's prayer and said that because it says, "hallowed be thy name" that means we should use His name (as in the name of God) even though Jesus Christ didn't actually say the name, but prayed, Our Father which art in Heaven . . .) and then she tried to give me one of their books. It is a book that is called something like, "What Does the Bible Really Mean?" I looked at it, and didn't want to take it. I had already seen that book several times. One of our less active members in Engels (Энгельс) was reading it and would always ask questions about what was written in in. Finally she admitted that it isn't true (she also said that Jehovah's Witnesses are the farthest from the truth) but she still refused to stop reading it, even though it confused her and caused her to doubt. Anyway, so, I wasn't about to take the book. I told her that in Russian, it wouldn't really do us that much good (even though I can read and I understand pretty much everything, it is still pretty slow, especially the Bible and things related because that is all in Old Russian like our Bible is in older English). She said, well, you could at least try, little by little. So I said, well, then I can give you this, I pulled out one of the Joseph Smith pamphlets that I had been prompted to bring before we left the apartment and started telling the story of Joseph Smith. She, of course, didn't want to hear anything about it, and told me that it isn't possible for people to receive answers on prayers [did I really write on prayers? Yes, because I translated that from the Russian in my brain] in anyway other than by reading the Bible (so, where does the Holy Ghost fit into all that?). She refused to take the brochure, and left. Even though I doubt I made any impression on her, I was really glad that I had followed that prompting.

[The picture to the right is of the chapel in Маркс].

Similarly, the next day, as we were about to leave the apartment for our daily street contacting, the thought came, bring the Bible. I then thought, why bring the Bible? Its too bulky, I don't have room for it and I've never needed it before when we've gone contacting! But, I decided to bring it anyway. So, I had to take my boots off and go into the other room, somehow make room for it in my little bag, and only then we headed out. I kind of forgot about it until I started talking with one lady on the street. She listened to what I had to say about families and then started talking herself. It turns out that she is Pentecostal, she had met the missionaries a few years before and even had a Book of Mormon, she read a little, but didn't like it, so she stopped. She is convinced that she has all the words of God that she needs in the Bible (I even asked her, if God wanted to speak to you through a living prophet, would you want to hear what He had to say? She responded, I am very careful when it comes to prophecy and I have everything I need in the Bible. The Bible is enough for me. So, basically she said, no, if God wanted to talk to me through a prophet, I wouldn't want to hear what He has to say because I have heard enough). She then went on to say, you don't carry the Bible with you, offering that to people! I pulled out my Bible (boy was I glad that I had heeded that little prompting that morning!) and said, I have the Bible with me, but we don't offer it to people because most people already have the Bible or can get the Bible. We want to make the Book of Mormon likewise available to all people, that is why we offer it to them. Well, she invited us to her church, we invited her to ours, but she didn't take any information from us. At least she knows when we have church and where, but so far, she doesn't want to know more. Even though, again, I can't say that I've made any kind of difference for that woman, I was really glad that I had followed the promptings of the Spirit. After all, that is really what this work is all about, right? If I am doing that, I can rest assured that I am doing the will of the Lord, and that means that no matter what it may look like to other people from the outside, I am a successful missionary. So, I feel a lot better about all that now. I can look back on my mission and see numerous occasions when I have followed the promptings of the Spirit and ended up exactly where I needed to be when I needed to be there, even if it doesn't seem like that even made a difference. But we aren't here to force people to get baptized, or even to coerce them or convince them. We are here to give them the opportunity to hear the truth and be convinced by the Spirit and by the Lord, and that is what I am doing.

[The picture here is just for fun. See the sack I am holding? That is how you buy eggs in Russia. I am standing in the kitchen of our apartment in Маркс].

Heather, thanks for your letter! I've been wondering what happened to you, haven't heard from you in a long time. In fact, I wanted to send you a Christmas card, but realized that I didn't even know where you were to know if the address I had was right (I think the last one I have is from Medora and I thought you might be going to school again). I hope things are going well for you! Are you planning on being in Bismarck around Christmas time because, I'll be home for Christmas, you can count on me! Maybe we can even get a round of Christmas caroling in if you will be there, that would be awesome! I've missed that, too. I was planning on caroling for my neighbors in Энгельс because they all knew and loved us, but here, they are all afraid of us . . . so we'll see, it probably won't work out. You're moving to Montana?!?!?!? When did this happen and why?

Lizzy, I hope things are going well with the job hunt and with registering for classes. Keep me informed. Thanks for writing me the last little while more than just a few sentences that don't really explain anything that is going on with you. I really appreciate that.

Sara, yep, I'm coming home soon, I hope you haven't forgotten that I am expecting a good hug from you when I get home. I hope you've been practicing this past year and a half!

Well, other than that, I think I've pretty much said it all in the things that I said in responses. Next week will be Zone Conference. It will be a long one, two days because it is December. It should be pretty fun, we are going to Saratov (Саратов). I don't know what will happen after that. I am speaking in church this coming Sunday, my first talk since the MTC!!

Well, that is about it for now. I love you all and miss you all!

Love,

Сестра Атвуд

Freezing my you-know-what off.

Here is another story I never told about. In Маркс (Marx), Sister Дэлгэрцэцэг (Delgertsetseg) and I had an appointment with a new investigator (the Armenian one). We were supposed to meet her at a bus stop to get on the bus and go visit her. She told us when and where.
We arrived a little early that day, trying to make sure that we wouldn't miss the bus and her because otherwise we had no idea how to get there. That would turn out to be a big mistake.
After a little while of waiting, we got a call on our cell phone. It was Армик (Armik - she called herself Аня (Anya) but we later found out that that isn't her real name). She was calling to tell us that the bus was going to be later than she thought, an hour later in fact. Well, it was pretty cold outside and we were already feeling it. The thought of waiting another hour was devastating (I think we had already waited nearly an hour), but we didn't have anywhere to go and not enough time to go home and try to warm up. The really sad thing is that we were very close to the church, but we had no way of getting inside.
So, we waited some more. My feet were frozen through my boots. We kept jumping around trying to keep ourselves warm, but it didn't work very well. Finally, the bus came. I can't even describe the relief I felt as I saw the bus drive up with the number we needed displayed in the window.
(The pictures here were taken on that very bus stop. The one at the top is of Sister Дэлгэрцэцэг. The one here is of me. I am pointing to some graffiti that says "Россия для Русских!" (Russia is for Russians!). That is written on the inside of the bus stop and I read it several times in the long wait on that bus stop)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Dear family,
This week has gone by very fast, but I feel like we have accomplished very little. I hope that isn’t true. We’ve been doing a lot of walking . . . and I mean a lot. Yesterday alone we talked nearly 4 hours worth of time (I guess that isn’t that much when I remember how much contacting I did when I first got here, sometimes we would contact for 5 to 6 hours in a day!). We weren’t planning on that because we set up an appointment, but when we got there, they weren’t. We decided to try and meet a member who lives in the same apartment building, but she also was not home. As we were leaving, we noticed that the lights for the other family were on. We decided to stop by. The mother opened the door and told us that they couldn’t and that it would be better for them to change the meeting. We agreed on Thursday, so I hope they won’t stand us up again. So, we went walking after that. We walked, and walked, and walked some more. We were trying to find one address, but it was dark, so that made it hard to find. We decided it would be better to try again when it was light so we could actually see.
It is really hard work right now, but I’m hoping that things will get better as we meet more people. Basically everyone already knows who we are, but that makes it difficult because they don’t want to talk to us on the street. I think we need to find a new way to invite people. We need to find a way to become very visible, and not just to people as we walk on the street. On Wednesday, we went to Энгельс (Engels) for Thanksgiving. The zone leaders had to go to Самара (Samara) on Thursday, so they decided to have Thanksgiving dinner with all the missionaries on Wednesday. There were a lot of missionaries, 34 all together from Валаково (Balakova), Маркс (Marx), Энгельс, and Саратов (Saratov). We began the morning with playing football in Саратов (the picture to the right is a group picture after playing football. I don't think this was even everyone). That was a little boring because most Elders are so competitive, they won’t throw a sister the ball. Then there was the whole problem with the fact that it was two-hand-touch. Every time I had the ball, I had to remind the Elders that they couldn’t touch me, it was really annoying. So, I was glad when it was over.
After that, we ate Thanksgiving dinner. We had chicken (of course) that the Elders bought at a chicken place called Кури-Грилл (Kuri-Grill). (Кури is a shortened form of the word for chicken in Russian). We also had no stuffing and cranberries (but I was ok with that because I don’t eat them anyway), but other than that, they did a pretty good job. We baked an apple pie on Tuesday, others made cheesecake, apple pie, and banana cream pie, but no pumpkin pie, too bad. We also had some salads (very Russian, one with cabbage, mayo, and crab and the other with beets, carrots, mayo, and maybe something else, I don’t remember), mashed potatoes (but no gravy), and ice cream. It was good, but it made me wish I was home for Thanksgiving. We watched The Other Side of Heaven after that. This may seem a little out of order, but I started telling about all that to mention something I noticed from The Other Side of Heaven. You see, the work went very slow when Elder Groberg first got to the island because the island was small and everyone knew who he was and were told not to talk to him. It was only after he performed a miracle (bringing that kid back for his father) that people started to listen to them. That made me think, we need something like that, something very visible that will show people who we are and what we stand for, but I’m not sure yet exactly what we need. Whatever it is, we better come up with it fast because I am running out of time.
A little side note that might be interesting to you, there is a section of our daily planner where is written “People We Will Focus On” and next to that “Goal or Action” with space underneath to write the names of people and what we want them to accomplish, or what we need to do to help them come unto Christ. For this last week, I wrote: “EVERYONE IN THE CITY” under “People We Will Focus On” and under “Goal or Action,” I wrote, “activation, strengthening, or conversion, depending on where they are right now.” Yep, that is basically the work we have, nothing concrete.
What else has happened? On Thursday, we had English Club. Very few people come to English, only 3 members usually, and since it was Thanksgiving, I decided to make root beer from the extract I got from one of the Elders when I was in Пенза (Penza). I guess one of the Elders had the same thing in mind because he called to ask us to make a salad. We made potato salad, and when we arrived, waited patiently for our surprise for the students. The Elders made a pie for Wednesday, but forgot to bring it with them to Энгельс, so they brought that, chicken, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, and rolls. Add to that the potato salad and root beer we brought, and we had quite a feast. It made me feel a lot better and for that moment, I was happy that I was here on Thanksgiving. It was much better than the day before.
[Picture: Clockwise around the table, me, Sister Дэлгэрцэцэг (Delgertsetseg), Алёна (Alyona), Мария Степановна (Mariya Stepanovna), Женя (Zhenya), Лена (Lena), Виктор (Viktor), and Elder Стручков (Struchkov).]
Let’s see, we also met a lady who investigated a while ago. Her son is in the hospital, so we went to see them. She came to church on Sunday and we have an appointment with her tomorrow. We will see how things go with her. She is Armenian and poorly speaks Russian (she makes a lot of simple mistakes, like calling her son, she and things like that). She is really nice, but she wants help with paying her medical bills. She asked us to help with money, but I told her that we couldn’t (missionaries aren’t allowed to do that) but said that she could talk to the branch president. What I didn’t know is, at least here, the branch doesn’t help people who are not members. I think that is because there are so few active members and those who are active are poor and so the branch doesn’t have a lot of money. They reserve the money they get in fast offerings to help the old men and women in the branch who have poor health. That’s too bad because I really wish we could help her. But, I told her to keep praying and the Lord will help.
So, thanks to everyone who wrote this week: Mom, dad, Lizzy, grandpa. I really appreciate those who take the time to write me. Just too bad that it seems most of you have been sick. Luckily, our health is alright except for the fact that I am exhausted all the time, still. But, I’m used to it. I think I will probably sleep forever when I get home.
It's weird, I’m used to people treating me like dirt, and still I love those people. That’s what happens everyday on the street here, but still I love these people. Still, when I look at them, I see my brothers and sisters and I want to help them, and I am happy when just one person lets me. I came here to serve, but pride often gets in the way of that. I understand why prophets and apostles have warned us about pride. It is really the cause of all sin and all problems. Think about it, why does someone get offended and decide not to come to church? Because of pride. Why do people not want to change? Because of pride. People make mistakes, but refuse to repent because of pride; they don’t want to admit that they made a mistake or things like that. Pride is the root of all evil, I think, and pride is the hardest thing to overcome. Still, despite that (and Russians are VERY prideful, proud of their heritage, proud of their country, proud of their religion that they consider part of their identity even when they don’t go to church) they are great people, generous people when they know you, willing to give their very best food when they have nothing for themselves. That’s what doesn’t make sense to me, they have suffered a lot, but instead of coming to the Lord and being healed, they continue to suffer. Russians are known as people who do not smile. A lot of times people recognize me immediately as an American because of the smile I have on my face. What they don’t understand is that I smile because I am happy; I smile because I love them and have the same happiness to offer if they will just accept!
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, analyzing my time on my mission (no matter how hard I try to forget about how little time is left, people always remind me, whether missionaries or members), what I have accomplished and all that. When I look at numbers, it seems like I have done very little, but when I look at people, I can’t deny that I have done something. Not everyone has accepted my help, but many have accepted my love. I have to hope that in so doing, they have come to feel the Savior’s love just a little more in their lives. There is one lady from Энгельс that I call my stalker (lovingly of course). She always would ask when we were coming the next time and if it was a week away would say, and why so long? When she got a cell phone, she called all the time. One Sunday while we were watching general conference, she called 4 times! Then a 5th time as we were leaving. She called not too long ago while I was here in Маркс (but I couldn’t answer because we’re not allowed to receive calls from members living in other cities). She called 6 times in a row before finally giving up. She cried very hard when I left. She had just started to read the Book of Mormon again, she told us at our last meeting with her. Why did she cry? Because she knows I love her and didn’t want to lose that. We had a very direct last meeting with her where I told her that she needs to keep all the commandments, not for me, but for herself and for her daughter. The Spirit was strong, and I told her that I want her to keep the commandments not because I will get anything from it (I actually will get nothing except the joy of knowing that everything is ok with her and her daughter) but because I love them and want them to have an eternal family, and be happy. I can’t look at meetings like that and think that I haven’t accomplished much. Ok, so she still doesn’t go to church, but she started reading the Book of Mormon. There have been a lot of people like that. I have a lot of friends and people who I consider to be family, here in Russia.
While we were in Энгельс, after the activity, we were waiting for our taxi and members started to come for institute/seminary. One 15 year old girl showed up. She was so happy to see us. She has always been very active even though she is the only one in her family to come since her mother and father both died of cancer. She hugged me and told the Elders to take care of us because we are “super” (as she put it). (Picture above is her, Аня [Anya]). Then she begged the Elders to leave us in Энгельс, at least for one night. Why did she want us to stay? Why didn’t she want us to leave? Because we love her, and she knows it. I can’t look at that experience and think that I have done nothing. The hardest part of missionary work, I think, is loving the people, loving them despite their faults, despite their mistakes, and even despite their rejection. It is hard because that means you care whether they succeed or fail. It would be much easier to do missionary work without love because it wouldn’t matter to you what happened with people as long as you got your work done, but that isn’t true missionary work.
I don’t know how many people I have touched in the short time I have been here, and I don’t know how many people I have yet to touch before I come home, but I am confidant that the Lord knows I have done my best, and is pleased with that. I don’t think I’ve really learned anything profound on my mission, but what I have learned is priceless to me.
That is probably it for now. Sorry about the rambling. I’ve had a lot more time to think lately and that might be a bad thing, too many thoughts constantly run through my head. I love you all, and hope that your holiday season will go better, be healthy! Don’t get sick! Thanks for your many prayers and thoughts, and thanks to those who have shown me that they care by writing to me. Keep on the strait and narrow, it’s the only thing that will keep you happy. I’ve seen the difference the gospel makes in people’s lives!

Love,
Сестра Атвуд

I've always wanted to live in the country . . .

Dear family,
Here I am in my new city, Маркс (Marx). It is really small, especially compared to the other cities that I have served in. It is the smallest city in the mission where missionaries can serve. (Picture above is the view from our window. This is basically how Маркс looks). We are also the very first sisters in the city. That’s kind of interesting because many members don’t know how to talk with us. One lady asked, what do we call you, Elders, too? I just laughed and said no, we’re Sisters, not Elders. The branch here is very small, but they have a nice building.
We went to church yesterday and I was shocked to see so few members. I think there were only 20 people there, and that is including the missionaries (there are four of us) so you can see that it is tiny. I think there are about 100 members but only 20 come regularly. There are no investigators, no new members . . . and I’m really wondering why sisters were sent here. But despite all that, I’m going to give it all I’ve got. I think maybe we were sent here because the Elders lost the members’ trust (not the ones who are here now, but other Elders who were here) and since we are the very first sisters, there is a chance to have that without too much trouble. Except for our landlady. Every time she sees us she tells us to make sure not to break anything. Its rather annoying because I haven’t broken anything yet on my mission. The past Elders even broke the toilet. Don’t ask me how that happened.
Its so weird to have P-Day on Monday. So far I don’t really like it because that puts off our district meeting. That means that we have no work because we have no ward list . . . without a ward list, we have no way to know who to go to. Usually when you open a new city (at least for sisters it works this way) you spend a lot of time contacting (but we didn’t even have the address of the church) and a lot of time doing, what we call, walking by addresses. That means that you go and try to get to know the members. We have been counseled as missionaries to not contact for more than one hour everyday and since we can’t go see the members, we have nothing else to do. Luckily, the Elders took us with them yesterday so we weren’t completely bored, but I have no idea what is going to happen today. You see, I have a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. My companion basically does nothing (because she can’t speak the language and doesn’t understand what is going on) and that means that if things don’t work out, it will be all my fault. Its kind of annoying and overwhelming all at the same time.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

[The above film is of the first snow that I saw my second winter in Russia. It didn't last very long, but I was still excited to see it. Sorry, I'm speaking in Russian, but I'm not saying much more that what I wrote above.]
Not much other than our move has really happened since last Thursday. Thanks to everyone who wrote me this week, mom, dad, grandpa, Lizzy, and Sara (though that was a pitiful letter. You really don’t get it? It isn’t worth your time to get on the computer, sign in, get on the internet and sign in there only to send a single line). Anyway, I digress.
So, I have to say that I’m a little upset that Becky won’t be home for Christmas. She’s known about this for a long time, so I don’t get why she won’t be able to come. It seems to me that she either didn’t try to get the time off, or she picked going to New York now over being home for Christmas. I know she usually says that she can’t ask for that time off, but she lives in Utah and I think that her managers would understand if she mentioned that her sister was coming home from her mission. Either way, it makes me want to say that she doesn’t have to come if she doesn’t want to. We’ll see each other soon enough when I start school again next fall, especially since she hasn’t cared enough to write me at all while I’ve been here except the one time that mom made her, why should she care enough to waste time and money (even if it isn’t hers) to come all the way home? You can tell her I said that, too.
(Picture to the right - one of the streets in Маркс after the snow melted).
By the way, on a happier note, I think, I got an email from one of the sisters who was with me in the MTC that said: “Random information: I got informed today by Elder Cox that missionaries who come home from Ukraine and Russia stink really bad for about a week. I didn't really believe him but he backed his sources up and said that all the chemicals that have built up in us just make us stink really bad to Americans. So sorry in advance...I'm actually really interested to see if you'll be plugging your noses at me.” – I have to say, too, sorry if that will be the case.
I really don’t know what else to say. Oh, something interesting happened today. Some lady came knocking on our door. She was really pounding on it so I couldn’t ignore it like I wanted to (I was already told that no one should be coming to see us except the landlady who will come once a month, the lady who takes care of registration, and the Elders) so I said, who’s there? The response was, me. I said, who’s me? She said something but I couldn’t really hear so I said, what? She responded, open the door and see. I, of course, didn’t open it. I told our district leader later (he’s Russian by the way) and he said, no, never open the door. I already knew that, but it was nice to have confirmation that I made the right decision. I was also told that even if they claim to be the police, I should never open the door but should immediately call the Elders. I have a feeling that this week is going to be very interesting, or rather this month in Маркс.
Can I just say that I don’t feel like I have only a month left. How is that possible? I keep asking myself that very question. How is it possible that a year and a half has almost passed? How is it possible that I have spent that time in a foreign country among strange people who are no longer strangers? How is it possible that I walk on the street, half-way around the world, speaking a foreign language, understanding what is said to me, and feeling like a part of this strange world? How is it possible that the Lord has trusted me with the souls of His children, trusted me to teach them, serve them, and help them come closer to Him? And how it is possible that now all that is ending? It doesn’t feel real. My whole mission is one huge dream, sometimes really good, sometimes a little nightmarish, but still a dream, a dream that can’t possibly be real, can it? Is it possible that I have changed as much as I feel that I have? I really don’t know. Maybe I am the same person that I was 1 ½ years ago, but that doesn’t seem possible, but I couldn’t even describe how I’ve changed . . .
Well, I don’t know what else to talk about. We are celebrating Thanksgiving on Wednesday. We will be going to Саратов (Saratov) to spend that time with the missionaries there. That should be fun but we have to bake a pie and I have no idea how to do that. We’ll see how it works out. It will also be nice to get my stuff that was left in Самара (Samara). The Elders were supposed to bring it with them when they came to Энгельс (Engels) on Friday night, but they didn’t. The sisters brought it to Saratov, and so I will be able to pick it up.
By the way, mom, I went to Moscow only because Sister Wheeler (she’s serving in Саратов) needed to renew her Visa and she couldn’t go by herself. It sounds like that is going to cause a lot of problems, though, because the lady who does registration asked me why I got a new migration card after only three months, then she said that the lady in Саратов kind of freaked out, too. She had to go to Саратов to do my registration. We’ll see what happens. I am sure that everything will be fine.
The internet is having problems, but I don’t think there were any other questions that I need to answer. But now I have to wait to be able to get this sent off. Let’s see if I can think of anything interesting to share. Маркс is located about 20-30 minutes from Энгельс along the Волга (Volga) river. It has probably about the population of Bismarck [I found out later that it has half as many people as Bismarck], but seems much smaller. Maybe that is because there are a lot of homes with dirt roads, chickens, etc. in town. Its very dirty, filthy for that matter. (Picture to the left - Sister Дэлгэрцэцэг in the yard of a member's house in Маркс. A lot of people have cows, goats, etc.)The church building is in the middle of nowhere, it feels like a village town and seems weird to see such a beautiful and new building there. It isn’t really in the middle of no where. It is actually within the city limits, it just seems far from civilization. I still feel a little like we’ve been banished here, but there are a lot of good members (ok, what counts as a lot? 20?) basically everyone who is still coming. There is one lady who was the second person baptized in Маркс, the first was her mother. She is great and a great cook. We ate at her house yesterday, soup and pie, yum.
Our landlady is a little crazy. No, that’s not true, she really is just old. She cried today as we walked to do registration. I’m not exactly sure why. But, she’s nice enough. They just finished renovating the apartment, new wallpaper (Russians love wallpaper), and things like that. Its pretty nice but the kitchen is small and when we first came the fridge was in the hallway. I didn’t like that and neither did Sister Дэлгэрцэцэг (Delgertsetseg) so we moved it into the kitchen. It fit nicely and everything was ok, but then they told us that we couldn’t have it right by the stove because it is a gas stove, so we had to move it and now there is very little room. In fact, only one person can sit at the table at a time (see picture to the right - Дэлгэрцэцэг eating lunch at the table), but it is better than having to walk to the front door to take something out of the fridge.
So, anyway, I guess I’ll get this sent off while the internet is working.
Love,
Сестра Атвуд
P.S. Don’t worry about me, everything will be fine, the Lord is on my side.