Crazy Evening

So . . . how would you feel if you were at home on a quiet Sunday afternoon and into evening and when you went outside to go somewhere discovered that the front end of your car had been smashed in? Well that is exactly what happened to me today. It was quite the experience. There was no information left on my windshield, so I thought it was a hit and run. While I was looking at the damage and reaching into my bag to call the police, my neighbor came to tell me what happened. I guess their new vehicles emergency break wasn't working and it rolled back and hit my car. Great, right?
So because of just having bought the vehicle that day, my neighbor wanted to wait to report the incident until the next day. I left with Elizabeth to go to FHE (which is where I was headed anyway). On the way, I had second thoughts and started telling everyone to get their thoughts. Unanimously everyone said I needed to report it immediately. So, I called, and then left immediately with Elizabeth (in case I needed a witness). When I got home, I let my neighbor know that I had called the police to report the accident. Then we waited for the cop to show up. When he arrived, my neighbor told him what had happened, and then we separately were put in the back of the police car for him to get information. I never realized how cramped the back of a police car is (because I'd never been in one before, though I have been in the front seat of a highway patrol vehicle before; on second thought, maybe when I was younger I'd been in the back seat of a police car at one of those emergency fairs, or something, but I don't know for sure).
In the end, it was quite an interesting and adventurous night. Now I just have to see about getting my car fixed . . . and hope that my neighbors insurance will cover the entire cost. . .

Another awful day

Today has been another horrible day. It didn't start off that way, actually. This was my last day of classes and this morning on my way to work I was astounded by the beauty of a Christmas tree and snow (see picture). It made me feel like Christmas is near, and that is definitely a good thing. Then after work I went to my last two classes of the semester. I learned that a guy in my Russian grammar class is also going to Jerusalem next semester, and that made me get even more excited. The more people who share in my excitement, the more excited I get.
Well, after that class, I came home. I have two take-home-finals that I already have and so I began working on them. In the midst of that, making lunch, and watching a movie, I learned something disturbing and horrific. This piece of news shocked me so much! It is still hard for me to believe. Basically, a girl (well 26 year old woman) from my homeward gave birth to a little girl last week and the baby died within a half hour. This woman has been charged with first degree murder. I don't know what has led the authorities to believe that the death was intentional, that this woman killed her baby, but knowing her and some of her problems, I unfortunately believe it at the same time that I completely reject the idea. What is even harder is that she isn't just some person from my homeward, but while I was home, I visit taught her, I talked to her, I know her well. She is facing life in prison or possibly life in a mental institution. Either way, her life is over. I wonder what the truth is. I wonder how she feels right now, how her family feels, and I wish I could do or say something to help. But as with most tragedies in life, there is nothing to be done or said. Each person involved must learn to continue on even when that seems impossible. Every trial that comes will change us. It is OUR choice whether that change will be for better or for worse.

Хуже и хуже

Well, here I am, once again, the bringer of bad news. Here I am wide awake in the early morning hours, unable to sleep, unable to rest, unable to forget. If you haven't figured it out by now, my mom died this morning (the picture above is my mom in High School). She is gone. How is it possible for things to have progressed so quickly? 3 weeks ago we had no idea things were this serious. 2 weeks ago we learned that she had cancer, 2 days ago we learned that it was terminal. The doctors said she had less than 6 months to live. Their calculations were way off.
Have you ever felt disconnected from your surroundings? That's how I feel right now. I am living in a state of denial because otherwise I could not function. Why does so much sorrow and so much hurt have to come to my family? Why can't we just live happily ever after like characters in fairy tales? But that is not possible. Life never works like it does in fairy tales. Sometimes the bad guys DO win, and often the hero dies. . .
But amidst all of the feelings and lack of feelings, I can only wonder, what will come of my dad? My dad may not be a man of many words, but he loves his family, and he loves his wife. I've only seen my dad cry once, and that was after the death of my brother. But I heard him cry this morning when he called to tell me what had happened. How will he survive? How will he get on in the day to day things that my mother always did? Every day he will wake up in an empty bed, reminded of what he is missing. Every day he will have to do the things that my mom always did, pay bills, do taxes, run errands, cook, clean, drive my sisters around. Each time, he will be reminded of what is gone.
Then there is the rest of my family. I can't speak for my other siblings, but my mom for me was the center of the home. I always wanted to be where she was, so I could talk to her, hear her voice. I called her at least once a week, often times more. I called her when I needed advice, when I had a problem, when something exciting happened, when I was sad, and I even called her just because, just because I was walking home from school and had time, just because I felt like talking to her. My mom has been such a big part of my life, I can't imagine how I will get through the rest of it without her. She helped me come to terms with my brother's death, but who will help me come to term with hers?

Devastation

Yesterday was officially the second worst day of my life. For those of you who know me well, you already know what the worst day was. The second, however, didn't begin so horribly.
I woke up outside on a mattress. This may sound strange, but it wasn't a prank, I actually moved the mattress out there and fell asleep under the stars, along with a few other girls (all of whom are RMs, go figure, huh? - see above picture). I woke up and it was chilly outside, but it felt so nice. The sky was beautiful. It was a great morning.
After everyone was up and we had moved all the mattresses back inside, I came home. I got ready for the day and began working on some homework I wanted to get done. In the process, I realized there was something I needed to ask Sara. So I called and talked to her. That began the down hill ride of my second worst day.
While talking to her, my sister told me that our dad had told her and my other sister, Elizabeth, to wait up for him that night since there was something he needed to tell them about our mom. I didn't know what it was, but I began to feel dread. I could only imagine that it was bad news.
Around 3:30 or 4:00, my dad called from my mother's hospital room. The news he had was definitely not good news. The results had come back from a test the oncologist ran and the doctor informed my dad that the cancer is terminal. All they can do for her right now is try and make her as comfortable as possible and try and extend the time she has left. They give her less than 6 months to live.
I'm sure most of you can't imagine what that feels like, to suddenly discover that your mother will most likely be dead in 6 months, but I can tell you exactly how I felt . . . devastated. It is one of those things in life that you can't do anything to change or make better. Nothing can be done.
Since then, I've had several bouts of crying, usually brought on by the realization that someday soon my mother will be gone. And I wonder what will be come of my family. How will we get on without her?

Currently Reading:
White Nights
by Fyodor Dostoevsky
The Double
by Fyodor Dostoevsky

No news . . . is the absence of bad news . . .

Well, I guess its about time I wrote again, though hopefully I will be better about writing now that i have things to write. This last week has been interesting, full of ups and downs. I've been working the last few days trying to make some money before school starts. I'm back in the computer labs on campus and all I can say is that I LOVE my job. I really do. Its the kind of job where I actually look forward to working because the people are great and so is the environment.
Anyway, I've also run into a few friends on campus, and that is always great. I was able to do something with one of my MTC companions, and that was so much fun and it was just great to see her.
Those are all the good things that have happened. Unfortunately, one really bad thing has put a damper on all the good. My mom went into the hospital on Wednesday. Since then I have been waiting to find out what is wrong (she's been sick since the beginning of August). I hate waiting under the best of circumstances, but under the worst, it is complete torture. Finally, today my dad called, but not with good news. My mom (the doctors are pretty sure) has cancer . . . They can't do anything for her in Bismarck, so she has to be transfered to one of two other hospitals. I don't know where they are taking her yet. I feel so helpless and like I don't know anything that is going on because here I am in Provo, a thousand miles away and soon to be even more.
I don't feel like writing anything else, but I guess you can tell why.

Currently Reading:
Russian Culture