Aftershock

I don't even know how to start this entry. Yesterday was my mother's funeral. It was at the same time both harder than I expected and not as hard as I thought it would be. Its still weird to me how a person can have dual feelings at the same time, but I remember it being that way after my brother died, too.
I drove up to Bismarck with my older sister, my grandparents, and my mom's baby sister with her two kids. We arrived Thursday morning and I was so happy to finally get here. I'll never forget that first meeting with my dad. I could see all the sorrow in his face. I've never had to lose my eternal companion (and I hope I never will), but I could feel a little of his pain in the expression on his face.
That day, I did one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. Along with my grandparents and my dad, I went to the funeral home to dress my mother. They had her on a table and as soon as I saw her I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. The tears flowed the entire time we were dressing her, but I was glad to be able to do this one last act of service for her.
The next day, a lot of family started arriving. This was Friday. My dad, older sister, and I drove up to the cemetery to pay for the plots (my dad bought 4 so he could be next to my mom and just in case, though he hopes he can sell the other 2 later). They already had the hole dug for my mom. She isn't too far from Clarence, you can see his grave from hers.
That night we had the viewing from 5-8. All of our family was there for the entire time, and then others came and went. One of my dad's sisters and her family were there, along with my dad's mom, then one of my mom's brothers and one sister were there as well as my mom's parents. There were many flowers, maybe even more than when my brother died, though I really don't remember the flowers from that. Before the viewing, we put the veil on my mother and I placed her fan in her hand. You never would have seen her without that fan, especially in the temple. I think other people cried more than I did at the viewing. Its weird, when my brother died, tears came so easily, but now it is so hard. They don't come very often at all. Most of the time I still feel numb, like it couldn't possibly be true.
The next day was the funeral service. We went a little before 9 and it was a good thing, too, because no one had come to unlock the church doors. My dad let the funeral home people in and they started setting up. We put some pictures of our family in my mom's coffin, and placed her scriptures inside as well. Then we waited. Not too many people came in to the room. Maybe they thought it was for family only because the room was filled with our family. One of my dad's other sisters had also arrived and she was there. Two more of my mom's brothers and one more sister also were there as well as those who had been at the viewing the previous night. It was nice to have so much family there.
My two best friends came in a few minutes before 10:00 and we had the family prayer before exiting the room. We went in to the chapel and I was happy to see so many people there. One of my best friend's mom was there. I was glad to see her, even though I didn't get to talk to her afterwards. Our neighbors from across the street came as well (I didn't see them until after the service was over), and many people from my dad's work and from our ward.
The service was really nice. My mom's sister, Patti, gave the Eulogy, I spoke, and my grandpa (mom's dad) spoke. Then we headed over to the cemetery in a funeral procession. In Bismarck (and probably in other places), a funeral procession has the right of way. We don't have to stop for lights or other traffic, but unfortunately traffic is not always cooperative here. That was very annoying to me. Its like no one has any respect for what others are going through.
My dad dedicated the grave, and we stood around talking with people for a little while afterwards. Then we went back to the church for the luncheon prepared for our family. It was all very nice. Soon after, my dad's family left to go back to Utah. We went home, and I got a little nap in. Then my mom's family took us out to eat at the Golden Corral, and we went back to their hotel to talk and play games. It was a very long day, but we made it through.
Today we are going to take flowers to my brother's and my mom's grave. Now comes the hard part. Day by day, the reality of what has happened will begin to sink in. But more than I worry about what is going to become of my, I wonder what will happen to my dad? What will happen to my younger sisters who are home. They will have a constant reminder, every minute that they are home. Our house feels so empty without my mom, and emptiness is more painful than you might think.

The picture here was taken almost a year ago in the beautiful city of Engels on the Volga River. The Elders wrote this sign in the snow to take pictures to send home. I couldn't resist getting a picture of my own.

Currently Reading:
Notes From the Underground
by Fyodor Dostoevsky
Beyond Translation
by A. L. Becker